EVERYJUNCT

By Vickie Lloyd

Cast of Characters:

The Dean, man in a business suit
Everyjunct, woman in a nice dress
Same Actor as: Messenger
Headhunter
Contract
Benefits
Equal Pay for Equal Work
Respect
Payroll Clerk (dressed as a clown–at minimum a fright wig and red rubber nose).
For all parts, this male actor should be dressed in a University of Louisiana at Lafayette t-shirt.

Props: Chair, stack of papers (the bigger the better), cell phone

Signs: "MESSENGER," "CONTRACT," "BENEFITS," "EQUAL PAY FOR EQUAL WORK," "RESPECT," "PAYROLL."

These signs should be large block letters printed on paper, and taped to the actor as he assumes each role. One other sign to be used as directed: "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?"

At Rise: Everyjunct sits at stage right, grading a stack of papers which she holds on her lap. The Dean stands stage left, smiling benevolently at the audience. The Messenger stands next to the Dean.

MESSENGER:
      I pray you all give your audience
     And hear this matter with reverence,
     By figure a moral play:
     The Summoning of Everyjunct called it is,
     That of our lives and trials shows
     How transitory we be all day.
     For ye shall hear how our Heaven’s Dean
     Calleth Everyjunct . . . Everyjunct . . . Every . . . junct.
          (slight pause, then to Dean)
     What is this "Everyjunct" crap?

DEAN: Shut up and read your lines, flunky.

MESSENGER: Yeah, but, I mean, it’s not really–

DEAN: Everyjunct–Everyman–get it?

MESSENGER:
      Ohhhhh, right, uh, okay.
     Anyway, calleth Everyjunct to a general hootenanny.
     Give audience, and hear what he doth say.
          (pause, then to Dean)
     Doth say? Doth? What kind of word is--

(DEAN shoves him away.)

DEAN:
      Get off the stage.
          (clears throat, straightens suit, smooths hair, plasters on fake smile)
      I perceive, here in my majesty,
     How that all creatures desire to be gainfully employed,
     Using their degrees to obtain worldly prosperity.
     Everyone liveth so after his own pleasure,
      And yet of their life they be nothing sure.
     But until that plum job appear,
     They must make do with what comes near.
     Therefore I will, in all my big-hearted grandeur
     Have a job offering for Everyjunct.
     But I must not offer her too much
     For now one would by envy another scrunch.
     And charity they do all clean forget.
     Where art thou, Headhunter, thou mighty messenger?

HEADHUNTER:
      Almighty Dean, I am here at your will,
     Your commandment to fulfill.

DEAN:
      Go thou to Everyjunct
     And show her, in my name,
     A job–

HEADHUNTER: Her? Her? Can’t I get a him or two?

     (DEAN pulls HEADHUNTER close.)
DEAN: Listen, uh, Headhunter . . . can I call you Head?

HEADHUNTER: Yeah, sure.

DEAN: Listen, Head, generally the girls are more financially dependent. They settle for less, know what I mean? Look, it’s not like they have families to support. It’s easier, you know? Easier on me, on them, on you. Got it?

HEADHUNTER: Well, yeah, but . . . it just seems--

DEAN: You know how many adjuncts you can get for the price of one professor? And, okay, okay. I’ll admit it. We’re a little desperate here. Adjuncts are getting as scarce as cajones on a nun. Come to think of it, nuns are getting scarce, too. Anyway, you get my drift here, bubba?

HEADHUNTER: Oh . . . yeah . . . okay.
(louder)
     Lord, I will in the world go run over all
     And cruelly search out both great and small,
     For Everyjunct will I set a trap–
(pause, then softer)
     But really, sir, maybe if you paid the adjuncts more--

DEAN: Yeah, right, like that’s gonna happen.

HEADHUNTER: But, sir–

DEAN: You like your paycheck? Wanna keep it coming?

HEADHUNTER: I see what you mean.

DEAN: Right! Now, this afternoon I got 18 holes of golf and four margaritas calling my name. So, hit the road, toad.
     (DEAN retreats to edge of stage, and

     HEADHUNTER turns to EVERYJUNCT.)
HEADHUNTER:
      Lo, yonder I see Everyjunct busy grading.
     Full little she thinketh on my coming;
     Her mind is on fleshly lusts and job offers,
     Everyjunct, be still! What art thou doing?

EVERYJUNCT: Why askest thou?

HEADHUNTER:
      In great haste I am sent to thee
     From the Dean out of his majesty.

EVERYJUNCT: What, sent to me?

HEADHUNTER: Yea, certainly.
He thinketh on thee in the heavenly sphere.

EVERYJUNCT: What desireth the Dean of me?

HEADHUNTER:
      That I shall show to thee.
      An adjunct he will needs have
     Without any longer respite.

EVERYJUNCT: Oh Headhunter! Thou comest when I had thee least in mind!
Defer this matter until another day!

HEADHUNTER: Everyjunct, it may not be, by no way.
I set not by–

DEAN: (yells from sidelines)
HEY! All those damn "thous" and "thees" are getting on my nerves. Get a move on! My margaritas are metling!
     (takes a practice swing with an imaginary golf club)

HEADHUNTER: Alright already! Jeez.
     (to EVERYJUNCT)
What’s up, chick? Why can’t you come now?

EVERYJUNCT: Well, because I’ve got resumes out all over the country. At Universities. I’ve got real prospects and I’m going to get a real job.

HEADHUNTER: You know, adjuncting is a real job . . . almost.

EVERYJUNCT: No, I’m going to wait.

HEADHUNTER: Ah, waiting. I see. You’re waiting for people who say things like, "The check’s in the mail"?

EVERYJUNCT: I know I’ll hear--

HEADHUNTER: "I’ll call you reaaallll soon."

EVERYJUNCT: I’ll have you know that I have an impressive resume. Ninety hours teaching. Three hundred hours tutoring in the writing center. Conferences. Do you know how many papers I’ve delivered at conferences? How many articles I have published?

HEADHUNTER: "Don’t worry, sweetheart, I had a vasectomy."

EVERYJUNCT: How many hours teaching for Community Education? How many hours doing volunteer work for Sigma Tau?

(HEADHUNTER looks skyward, whistles a few bars of "I Heard it Through the Grapevine".)

EVERYJUNCT: I’m not coming with you.

HEADHUNTER: So–how’s your mother?

EVERYJUNCT: My mother? Why do you ask?

HEADHUNTER: Ready to move back home, are we?

EVERYJUNCT: NO! I . . . I . . . just need a little help while I’m waiting.

HEADHUNTER: Never thought you’d have to do that again, hunh?

EVERYJUNCT: I still have my pride.

HEADHUNTER: Yeah, pride. Great thing, pride. But it doesn’t exactly put yogurt in the fridge or litter in the kitty box. How many cats you got now?

EVERYJUNCT: There are lots of things I can do without.

HEADHUNTER: Barnes & Noble?

EVERYJUNCT: GASP! Okay, okay. I’ll go. I have to. I understand that. I’ll go. But, can’t I take someone with me?

HEADHUNTER: Sure. If you can find someone to go with you, schlepp ‘em along.

EVERYJUNCT: But can’t you just spare me until tomorrow?

(HEADHUNTER clears throat, and goes back to loud declamatory style.)

HEADHUNTER:
      Nay, thereto I will not consent,
      Nor no man . . . uh . . . woman will I respite.
      But to the heart suddenly I shall smite
      Without any advisement.
      Now out of thy sight I will me hie.
      See thou make thee ready shortly;
      For thou mayest say this is the day
      That no grad student living may escape away.
(HEADHUNTER exits to don "Contract" sign.)

EVERYJUNCT:
      Alas, I may well weep with sighs deep!
      The time passeth. Dean, help, that all wrought!
      For though I mourn it availeth not.
      To whom were I best my plea to make?
      What if I to Contract spake?
      I see him yonder, certainly.
      I trust that he will bear me company;
      Therefore to him will I speak to ease my sorrow.
      Well met, good Contract, and good morrow!

(CONTRACT looks behind himself, then back at EVERYJUNCT. He indicates himself.)

CONTRACT: Are you looking at me? Are you talking to me?

EVERYJUNCT: Yea, good Contract, yea,
I am in great jeopardy . . . Uh, you know, you look just like the Headhunter.

CONTRACT: Coincidence. So, chickabiddy, what’s the problem?

EVERYJUNCT:
      If I my heart should to you break,
     And then you to turn your mind from me
     And would not me comfort when ye hear me speak,
     Then should I ten times sorrier be.

CONTRACT: My true friend, show to me your mind.
     I will not forsake thee to my life’s end.

EVERYJUNCT: That was well spoken and lovingly.

CONTRACT: If any have you wronged, ye shall revenged be,
     Though I on the ground be slain for thee.

EVERYJUNCT:
      I have been commanded to go on a journey,
     A long way hard and dangerous.
     Wherefore I pray you bear me company,
     As ye have promised in this journey.

CONTACT: If we took such a journey, when would we come again?

EVERYJUNCT: Mayhap never again until the day of doom.

CONTRACT: Ho! Wait, wait. Hold the phone. Where we talking about going here? I mean, if it’s just down to Albertson’s for a wine cooler, I’m down for that.

EVERYJUNCT: Well, actually . . . I have agreed to become an Adjunct.

CONTRACT: Adjunct! HA! Well, I’m outta here.

EVERYJUNCT: But you promised!

CONTRACT: You got that in writing?

EVERYJUNCT: Well . . . no.

CONTRACT : Nuff said. Catch you on the downside . . . oh, I guess you’re already on the downside.

(CONTRACT hoots with laughter at his own joke, waves and exits to don "Benefits sign.)

EVERYJUNCT:
      Oh, Benefits! Symbol of things we can’t do without,
     Like paid vacations, sick leave, 401K, and to forebear doubt
     Medical insurance!

(EVERYJUNCT grabs him by the arm and pulls him close, but he disengages himself.)

BENEFITS: Hey, watch it, kid, you’re dripping pathos on my shirt.

EVERYJUNCT: You look . . . just like Contract.

BENEFITS: Yeah, well, my old man thought he was the Johnny Appleseed of the human race. Took his show on the road, and, well, who knows?

EVERYJUNCT: Uh . . . anyway, will you go with me?

BENEFITS: Sure, I’ll go with you. Just had my new Monte Carlo detailed out. I’m ready to go. Where we headed?

EVERYJUNCT: I’m going to become an adjunct.

BENEFITS: ADJUNCT!? You know, sweetcheeks, I’d love to. But actually, I have a cramp in my toe. Can’t go off on a journey limping. It would be just like driving a Geo Metro. Just can’t peddle fast enough.

(BENEFITS limps away with an "ouch" at every step. Dons "Equal Pay" sign, then presents himself to EVERYJUNCT.)

EVERYJUNCT: You look just like Benefits.

EQUAL: We’re all from Arkansas.

EVERYJUNCT: Oh . . . wellll, ah, anyway, I know you’ll treat me right. Everyone believes in equal pay for equal work. It’s only fair! You’ll stand by me, won’t you?

EQUAL: Sure, sure I will. I’ll go with you to the farthest ends of the campus and do anything you ask me to. Loan me five bucks would you? My mother needs a kidney transplant.

EVERYJUNCT: Five bucks for a kidney?

EQUAL: It’s a goat kidney. Goats are cheap.

EVERYJUNCT: Oh, enough of this blather! Will you come?

EQUAL: Only if I get lucky.

EVERYJUNCT: Oh, God, what have I done to deserve this?

(EVERYJUNCT grabs EQUAL’S arm to pull him along, but he stops.)

EQUAL: Whoa, whoa. Where we headed?

EVERYJUNCT: Adjunctland.

EQUAL: Adjunctland! I can’t go there.

EVERYJUNCT: Why not?

EQUAL: No air. No light. Totally circular, and I’m a linear kind of guy. Know what I mean?

EVERYJUNCT: No, I don’t. I thought you stood by everyone.

EQUAL: Oh, you naif.
     (he pinches her cheek)
Look, give me a call when you get a real job. And a sex change operation.

(EQUAL puts his hands in his pockets and strolls off singing, "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" He dons the "Respect" sign.)

EVERYJUNCT:
      Alack, shall I thus depart indeed–
     Without any more comfort?
     Lo, all have forsaken me in my most need.
     For help in this world whither shall I resort?
     Ah, I see Respect! Ever and anon my bud
      Part and parcel of my very soul, and alas no dud.
     Respect–

RESPECT: Right here, honeybutt!

EVERYJUNCT: You look . . . like . . . uh . .

RESPECT: Who?

EVERYJUNCT:
      A Gentle Fellow. Help me in my necessity!
     We have loved long, and now I need,
     For you to accompany me forward, for sainted charity
     Let us haste with all speed.
     I was commanded by a headhunter
     And I must give a reckoning strait,
     For I have a great enemy that hath me in wait
     Which intendeth me for to hinder.

RESPECT: A great enemy? What’s this booger’s name?

EVERYJUNCT: Scorn. Are you com—uh, going with me?

RESPECT: You bet your sweet kidney. I’ll follow you anywhere.

EVERYJUNCT: Let us go now without tarrying,
Respect, have we clear our reckoning?

RESPECT: Yes, indeed I have it riiiight here.

(EVERYJUNCT turns away, and behind her back,
RESPECT rolls his eyes and makes "whacking off" motion.
She whips around and he stops, gives her a deadpan look.)

RESPECT: What?

(EVERYJUNCT takes a few steps away.)

RESPECT: Check up there a second, Drama Queen. Where did you say we were headed?

EVERYJUNCT: In order to keep body and soul together, I must become an adjunct.

RESPECT: An adjunct! Holy hell. That kinda changes the complexion of things a little.
(He pats her on top of the head and walks off.)

EVERYJUNCT: Wait! Where are you going?

RESPECT: IRS. They need me more than you do.

(RESPECT dons the clown gear and puts on the "Mrs. Lincoln" sign.)

EVERYJUNCT:
      How did I get myself in this deep?
      Now I have no manner of company
      To help me in my journey and me to keep;
     And also my life full unready.
     Where shall I go, what shall I do?

(PAYROLL whistles to get her attention.)

PAYROLL: Hey, Scarlett, over here!

EVERYJUNCT: (reads PAYROLL’S sign)
"Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?"

PAYROLL: What?
     (looks down at sign, then rips it off and replaces it with the "Payroll" sign)
Oops, wrong sign. Now then, what can I do for you?

EVERYJUNCT: Well, I must become an adjunct and I’m here to to fill out my W4.

PAYROLL: W4, hunh? What does it look like?

EVERYJUNCT: It probably says "W4" at the top.

PAYROLL: Are you are?

EVERYJUNCT: YES! Now, will you please look?

(PAYROLL searches all around, then hands her a piece of paper.)

EVERYJUNCT: This isn’t a W4. It’s the menu from El Payaso.

PAYROLL: I’ve been looking for that everywhere!
     (studies menu a few seconds, then takes out cell phone and dials)
Hey, is this El Payaso? Look, I want the enchilada combo platter to go and I’m sending Everyjunct over to pick it up for me.

(EVERYJUNCT wrenches phone away)

EVERYJUNCT: I’m not going to pick up food for you!

PAYROLL: Why not? What have you got against enchiladas? Are you a Communist?

EVERYJUNCT: NO! I just–

PAYROLL: Hey, you’re just an adjunct. And, well, you know what they say about adjuncts.

EVERYJUNCT: No, I don’t know. What DO they say about adjuncts?

PAYROLL: Look, I’m busy. I have to sharpen a pencil and that usually takes about three days. Come back next week.

EVERYJUNCT: Next week!

PAYROLL: Come to think of it, I have a paperclip to straighten, too. Better make it two weeks. And if they ask me to make coffee–my God, we’re talking two semesters here.

EVERYJUNCT: Wait a minute. When will I get a paycheck?

PAYROLL: A PAYCHECK! You expect a paycheck, too? Man, oh man. Give ‘em an inch and they’ll take a continent.

EVERYJUNCT: I’m only asking for what I’ve worked for.

PAYROLL: Work. Yeah, whatever Okay, it’ll take a while to get the papers processed. But since you’re an adjunct, you shouldn’t mind waiting a few months. You’re used to doing without, so no problem. Saaaay, better make it three months. That is if we don’t lose the paperwork. But don’t hold your breath, sugar.

EVERYJUNCT: Three months! Why would it take so long?

PAYROLL: Hey, we’re busy here. Give me that phone.
     (yanks phone away from Everyjunct, then dials and talks)
Hey, bubba, you going with us Saturday night? Yeah? Rochelle said she wanted to go and I told her she could if she’d wear that see-through blouse. Hold on a second.

PAYROLL: (to EVERYJUNCT)
Skedaddle. We’re closed.
     (turns away from EVERYJUNCT to continue phone conversation)
Bubba, you there? Oh, nothing, just some adjunct. So, look, I got these little blue pills. Take one with a triple shot of tequila and all the girls look fine.

DEAN: Hey! Cleopatra! Row your barge on over here.

(EVERYJUNCT, with head hung in dejection, takes her place beside him.)

DEAN: Well?

EVERYJUNCT:
      Into thy hands, Dean, my soul I commend;
     Receive it, Dean, that it be not lost.
     As thou me boughtest, so me defend
     And at least save me from the fiend’s boast,
     That I may one day appear with that blesséd host
     That shall be saved from Adjunctland.

DEAN: You bet, kiddo. Run along and be good and maybe we’ll find you an office with an entire shelf to yourself.

EVERYJUNCT: Wow! And a desk?

DEAN: The shelf IS the desk. Now, trot along.

(EVERYJUNCT exits.)

DEAN:
     This moral men may have in mind.
     Ye hearers, take it of worth, old and young,
     And forsake Respect, for he deceiveth you in the end;
     And remember Benefits, Contract, Equal Pay for Equal Work,
     They all at the last do Everyjunct forsake.
Now, our play is at an end and I have to go talk to an architect. I’m paying him 14 bazillion dollars to put these humongous and really cool concrete balls in front of the library.

(Actors join hands to take a bow.)

THE END