Music Resources

CHARACTERS

MC HOST BUDDY FAST: Host of the TV show. He’s a fast talker
PROFESSOR HALF-LOAD: Professional but easily roused.
PROFESSOR NO-NAME: Depressed and lacks self worth.
DEAN EXTRAVAGANCE: Arrogant, know it all.
PRESIDENT INSULATED: On Valium.
ANNOUNER’S VOICE: Sexy

SCENE

(A TV quiz show in which part-time professors are on one side and the administrators are on the other. The show is a parody of "Family Feud.")

ANNOUNCER OVERVOICE: Welcome to Get Compensated! The Governor’s Quiz Show with your host Buddy Fast.

BUDDY FAST (Rushes out to center stage and stops at his floor spot. To his right, sits a table for administrators, to his left, a table for faculty.) Good evening, and welcome to the showdown.

(The boisterous audience responds with APPLAUSE, etc.)

BUDDY FAST: Let’s hear it for our returning champions--the administrators.

(Boos and applause from the audience as the two ADMINISTRATORS walk out and shake hands with BUDDY)

ANNOUNCER OVERVOICE: The administrators are on a twenty-year winning streak, the longest in the show’s history. This gives them a total of 870 million dollars in yearly raises from the Governor for their group, college administrators.

(The two ADMINISTRATORS are now at their table.)

BUDDY FAST: Welcome Dr. Extravagance. Dean of State College.

(HE gives a wave to the applauding audience.)

BUDDY FAST: And Dr. Insulated, President of Governor's Community College.

(DR. INSULATED nods her head in recognition but looks drunk or stoned on valium.)

BUDDY FAST: Are you two ready for another challenging round?

DR. EXTRAVAGANCE: Pump out those questions.

BUDDY FAST: Then let’s meet tonight’s challengers.

(PROFESSOR HALF-LOAD and PROFESSOR NO-NAME rush out onto the stage and shake hands with BUDDY FAST. Then they make their way to their table.)

BUDDY FAST: Are you ready to get your group compensated Professor Half-Load?

PROFESSOR HALF-LOAD: (shadow boxes) I'm ready.

BUDDY FAST: And Professor No-Name?

PROFESSOR NO-NAME: (to audience) If I don't win this game I'm going to have to give up teaching. I can't pay my rent on my salary. I can't feed my cat.

BUDDY FAST: Okay, here we go. This first question is worth 2000 points toward a shot at the $87 million increase in salary for your group. (Reads) Why do part-time faculty teach more than half the classes at community colleges? Challengers, explain this situation.

PROFESSOR HALF-LOAD: Colleges aren’t hiring enough full-time faculty to meet state requirements.

BUDDY FAST: Show us "Colleges aren’t hiring enough full-time faculty to meet state requirements."

("NO" BUZZER GOES OFF. Look of confusion on face of part-timers.)

BUDDY FAST: Your turn, administrators.

DEAN EXTRAVAGANCE: It’s a misprint, Buddy.

BUDDY FAST: Show us "It’s a misprint."

(DING. It’s a misprint rolls over and the "YES" bell rings. ADMINISTRATORS raise fingers in victory. PART-TIME FACULTY look shocked. AD LIB concerns.)

BUDDY FAST: Administrators, can you give us another explanation?

DEAN EXTRAVAGANCE: (thinks for a moment) I’d say not enough teachers want full-time jobs.

BUDDY FAST: Show us "Not enough teaches want full-time jobs"

(DING. "Not enough teachers want full-time jobs" rolls over and the "YES" bell rings.
ADMINISTRATORS raise fingers in victory.)

PROFESSOR HALF-LOAD: These are not the correct answers. In fact, they’re not just biased, they’re outright lies. What’s going on here?

BUDDY FAST: Challengers, don’t get frustrated. You can still turn the tables. Ready, challengers?

PROFESSOR HALF-LOAD: We're ready (shadow boxes).

PROFESSOR NO-NAME: If I don't win this game, I'm going to have to find another job. My college education cost me over sixty thousand dollars. Plus interest.

BUDDY FAST: For thirty-thousand points. Why do adjunct faculty earn significantly less money for teaching the same classes as do full-time faculty?

(The PROFESSORS talk it over.)

PROFESSOR HALF-LOAD: That’s easy. To save money, colleges are underpaying faculty by hiring them part-time. It’s the con of the last three decades. Everyone knows that.

BUDDY FAST: Show us "To save money, colleges are underpaying faculty by hiring them part-time."

("NO" BUZZER GOES OFF. Look of confusion on face of part-timers.)

BUDDY FAST: Your turn, administrators. You could move far ahead with this answer.

DEAN EXTRAVAGANCE: Well, half their salary is supposed to be paid for by the Red Cross for Education.

BUDDY FAST: Show us "Half their salary is supposed to be paid by the Red Cross for Education."

(DING. "Half their salary is supposed to be paid by the Red Cross for Education " rolls over and the "YES" bell rings. ADMINISTRATORS raise fingers in victory.)

PROFESSOR NO-NAME: This is an outrage! You can’t put this on family TV.

BUDDY FAST: Our last question of the day is worth 50,000 points. Professors. Are you ready? For fifty-thousand points, why do part-time faculty get few or no benefits from their colleges?

PROFESSOR HALF-LOAD: To save money. Colleges are trying to save money. And part-timers aren’t organized to demand their fair share. There are no other answers. Period.

BUDDY FAST: Show us "To save money. Colleges are trying to save money. And part-timers aren’t organized to demand their fair share."

("NO" BUZZER GOES OFF. Professor Half-load throws her hands in the air. Professor No-name looks sick at their prospects of winning diminish.)

BUDDY FAST: Administrators?

DEAN EXTRAVAGANCE: To teach this group of faculty survival skills in cases of emergency. We need that kind of worker in America, Buddy. Those willing to make sacrifices for the rest of us.

BUDDY FAST: Show me "To teach this group of faculty survival skills in cases of emergency."

(DING. "To teach this group of faculty survival skills in case of emergency" rolls over and the "YES" bell rings. ADMINISTRATORS raise fingers in victory.)

(Professor No-name has to restrain Professor Half-load from attacking the administrators and Buddy Fast)

BUDDY: You’ve done it again, administrators. Now, can you give us a second explanation toward the full $87 million dollar increase in salary for administrators next year? If you get this right, you’ll be up to $67 million.

DEAN EXTRAVAGANZA: To weed out the weak, lazy or insincere.

(DING. "To weed out the weak, lazy or insincere" rolls over and the "YES" bell rings.
ADMINISTRATORS raise fingers in victory.)

BUDDY: Congratulations administrators. You’ve earned $67 million in salary increases for next year so far. Now if you can give one last explanation for this situation, administrators will get the full 87 million for next year.

DEAN EXTRAVAGANZA: To use them in a sacrificial rite to cut down on population.

DEAN INSULATED raises her hand in victory.

("NO" BUZZER GOES OFF.)

BUDDY FAST: Oh, I’m sorry. But you still walk away with 67 million dollars in salary increases for administrators for next year. And we’ve got to go. Let’s hear it for the administrators. And join us again next week when administrators and faculty go at it for the medical benefit package.

Other contributors to this skit include David Milroy and Doren Robbins. This skit is copyrighted and all rights are reserved. It is found in the Rabble-A Skit and Song Book, 2001. You must ask for Permission to use this skit BEFORE staging it. There is no charge for the stage or street production of this skit by faculty, faculty groups or union groups, and all groups are encouraged to stage it. Usage beyond CEW or for other purposes, including broadcasts of any kind, must be granted separate permission, however. For further info on how to stage the routine, use your imagination or drop us a line. Send all correspondence to rabblea@aol.com